To My Chunky Monkey
My Dear Chunky Monkey,
Time has passed so fast. You are going to turn 14 years old at the end of this month and High School starts this coming September. As your mom, this totally sucks for me. I kind of want you to stay little forever.
I was crippled by fear and was stuck in this state from the moment I decided to have you. The pain of labor was not what worried me. It was our survival, your survival that kept me up for hours at night. I had no financial stability. I was still in high school. I was a baby having a baby. What did I know about being a mother?
8 Months old
Recently I helped a co-worker plan a baby shower. I ran all over town in a frenzy looking for decorations that were not pink for a mom to be who was having a daughter and despised the color pink. My last attempt to find such decorations led me to K-mart.
As I walked through the doors, I felt 19 again. I remembered the pride that swelled in my chest. I remembered grabbing a cart and pushing it right over to the boys clothing section. I’d pick out jammies with cookie monster on them, and jean jumpers with matching hats, and onsies with cute little sayings on them. I’d examine the sizes, the colors and pictured how’d you look in them before placing them in the cart.
Back then I would visit K-Mart a week or two before my welfare check came through at the beginning of each month. I would spend half of my monthly state mandate of $322 on your clothes. I’d place them on layaway with a small $5 deposit and return to purchase them in full once I had the money from the state. The receipt from the layaway department was guarded like a lioness guards her cubs. I held onto it like my life depended on it. I was always one proud momma when I returned home to show you the clothes I got you.
I’m now amazed by how we have come. I now have my college degree and you’re off at boarding school. Yet the fear is still crippling at times. As I search for answers to piece my child hood together, I hope and pray that, when all is said and done, I was the best mom I could be to you. That as each birthday passes you grow to understand that you were always loved and cared for to the best of my ability. I may have not known what being a mom was all about when I brought you into this world, but I know now that being your mom is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
9 months old
I am proud of the young man you are turning out to be. I love you dearly and I will continue to stand by your side when the aches and pain of high school arrives. I will continue to push you through college when the road gets too steep. I will forever guide you even after I’m long gone.
Happy Birthday my love. I wish you so many more.
© 2013 – 2016, Lopez. All rights reserved.